The dreadful day has finally arrived: you’re scheduled to appear in court. The crime? Being too good at video games. Turns out that all those no-scope headshots and 3-stock Smash Bros. wins are causing your entire community a great deal of emotional distress, and it’s time to answer for your illicit activity.
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After several unsuccessful attempts at an appeal, you’ve now decided that it’s time to “lawyer up,” as the kids say. And since this is a trial based entirely around games, it’s only right that you be allowed to select a video game character to represent you in this court of law. But who should you choose? Well, if it were me, here’s who’d be at the top of my list.
6Nathan Drake
Like most of my choices, Nathan Drake doesn’t have the most experience in this field. In fact, one might say he doesn’t have any experience in this field. His primary career typically involves tracking down various golden trinkets and pillaging cursed tombs inUnchartedlands in order to pay next month’s rent. He also tends to get into trouble far more often than most video game characters.
But that’s the thing — he also gets out of said trouble. Every single time. The guy has caused some of the darkest forces in history to rise up against him, along with legions of mercenaries who are specifically hunting for his head, and he usually just winds up sailing home to play old video games in the end. He’s the perfect choice to get me out of a jam.
5Bayonetta
I want you to picture yourself winning an argument withBayonetta. Just stop reading for a second, imagine yourself disagreeing with Bayonetta about literally anything, and play out the conversation in a way that doesn’t end with her delivering one of the coldest one-liners you’ve ever experienced while she presses the barrel of her gun-heeled shoe to your forehead. Go on.
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In all honesty, Bayonetta wins over half of the jury just by strolling into the courtroom like it’s her own personal runway. How could a person with such unwavering confidence possibly be wrong about me and my innocence? Anyone who she doesn’t charm with one of her signature poses is smitten by the third “darling” she utters in her opening statement. I guarantee it.
4Daxter
Again, I want you to try picturing yourself winning an argument with Daxter. Mind you, I didn’t say “being correct,” I said “winning an argument.” It doesn’t matter what it’s about. If Daxter decides the sky is purple, the conversation ends with him deciding he’s not looking up for the next 24 hours, so nobody’s right. Who says there’s even a sky up there?
I sincerely don’t think that the judge would have the power to end the trial, gavel or no gavel. He wouldn’t get through the phrase “order in the court” one time without Daxter interrupting him to explain how the whole thing is a ridiculous waste of time, since I’m obviously innocent. I can’t think of a single weasel-otter-thing that I’d be happier to have on my side.
3Miles Edgeworth
Yeah, yeah. I hear you. Why not pick the guy who’s on the cover? The pointed finger of justice? The original"Ace Attorney"himself? Don’t get me wrong, Phoenix Wright’s cool and all. But is he really going to bring this one home for me if he doesn’t happen to visit the crime scene 15 minutes before trial, where an adorable shiba inu puppy leads him to the exact piece of incriminating evidence he needs? Probably not.
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So instead of relying on the luckiest defense attorney on the face of the planet, I’m going with Miles Edgeworth. The defense attorney who actually, like, knows stuff. Edgeworth is bringing a library’s worth of legal knowledge with him to court, and we’re out of there before Phoenix Wright even has time to examine that half-eaten sandwich on my desk that’ll somehow prove I’ve never actually played a video game before.
2Winston
Winston is one of the kindest, most caring video game characters in existence. He’s always got time for a friend, he has his priorities in order, and when the world needed his help, he put his past aside in order to bring his old group ofOverwatchheroes back together again to save the day. There are few characters with Winston’s level of morality and goodness.
Anyway, I’d pick Winston because walking into court with a gigantic gorilla carrying a weapon that shoots lightning would scare everyone into canceling the trial.
1Link
In the history of video games, there has never been a problem solver quite like Link. Sure, there are a ton of heroes, time travelers, and elf-looking dudes around. And lots of them carry big, intimidating swords around. But aside from rescuingZelda, Link’s true skill lies in his ability to resolve a person’s problem without uttering a single word.
Link would walk into the courtroom, initiate a conversation with the judge, and sit quietly as His Honor talks his way out of indicting me. “Wow, I’ve never thought about it like that,” the judge remarks as he dismisses the case and rewards Link with a purple rupee. Everybody wins.
