Oh, lavatories. Restrooms. Porcelain palaces. It’s one of the few places in our world that serves as a reprieve from the constant hustle and bustle. Bathrooms are a weirdly communal thing, even the ones that aren’t in public. They’re a space we all take for granted but grant all of us a handful of quiet minutes to ourselves each day.
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They are an important part of modern life but are often represented crappily in media. So what video games have the best representations of bathrooms? And more importantly, which ones would we pop a squat in for our morning constitutional?
Oh. Oh dear, the bathrooms on the USG Ishimura inDead Spacelook worse than the toilets in a rugby team’s changing rooms. While all the blood and occasional necromorphs are bad, honestly, we are just trying to figure out how everything got so grimy between when the distress signal went out and when Issac arrived.
The only thing more upsetting than the idea of an alien parasite taking over our bodies is that the crew of this mining station never bothered to clean the mirrors or floor in their communal space.
14Care For A Drink? - Fallout 3
TheFalloutgames have always been famous and infamous for their environmental storytelling, and for some reason, all of those stories are told in toilet cubicles. From notes next to the sink telling you the combination for a safe to skeletons of some guy who was on the john when the bombs fell, the writers at Bethesda love nothing more than basing a narrative around the basin.
Just whatever you do, don’t take any vault dwellers' advice and drink from these forbidden chalices. Sure all the radiation in the water has probably killed any bacteria in there, but c’mon, you’re better than this.
13Duke’s Favourite Room - Duke Nukem 3D
Of course, this was the perfect area to show offDuke Nukembefore its release in 1996. Partly, because 3D Realms could show off the Build Engine’s stunning capability for the time, including functioning mirrors. But, much more importantly, it allowed Duke to make some of the only juvenile jokes in the game that haven’t become extremely problematic in the two-and-half decades since its release.
Strangely enough, the bathrooms in Duke Nukem have aged better than the rest of the game for multiple reasons.
12Porta Potty Full Of Guns - Borderlands
We were going to say that the porta potties inBorderlandsare amazing because they often have free guns or money in them, but then we remembered what they are like if you play on a PC or a modern console.
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Gearbox, obviously still holding onto some of Duke’s sense of humour, decided that the bandits' outhouses would be the perfect place to add extra Nvidia powered “physx”. Yep, when you open a porta potty in Borderlands, there is a chance that the game’s impressive water and partial simulation will be used to showcase… yeah…
11Shockingly Well Kept - BioShock 1 And 2
Listen, we know basically every toilet in Rapture is overflowing, and the lights are on the blink in the bathrooms. But you have lightning hands and there’s always an unsuspecting splicer fixing up their makeup or washing the blood off their hands.
You could say what happens next is…electric.
10Keep The Window Open - Yakuza 0
Remember that one scene inYakuza 0where Kiryu gets into a fight in an office bathroom, and when he beats up the last guy he smashes the dude’s head into the urinal, and then kicks him out the window?
Yeah, that game is awesome. Oh, and the bathroom seems fine too, we guess.
9Jill Valentine’s Ensuite - Resident Evil 3
Raccoon City seems like it would be an expensive city to live in. Lots of historical old stone buildings that are probably nightmares to keep heated. But we have to say Jill’s one-bedroom apartment inResident Evil 3is pretty nice for the most part.
Her flat’s ensuite bathroom isn’t too flashy, but it’s as good a place as any to have traumatic nightmares that you have turned into a zombie. We’re just annoyed that Nemesis ruined the property value by doing some unrequested remodelling. Oh well, we doubt the place would have gone for much after the city got nuked anyway.
8The Bathroom Of Morgan’s Dreams - Prey
Wow, what a view Morgan Yu has in their apartment. What a spacious living space. And to top it all off, a sleek bathroom where they can look in the mirror, and ponder why they can’t remember yesterday.
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Actually come to think of it, what’s up with your eye? Is this bathroom’s mirror two-way? It all feels a bit off. Maybe there is such a thing as too nice a place to go No. 2.
7Recreating Your Own Bathroom - The Sims
Don’t lie, we’ve all done it. After you have trapped guests in a room full of broken ovens and given yourself infinite money, what else are you supposed to do inThe Sims?
Now we can finally watch our imaginary self-insert characters drop their kids off at the pool, and then godrop their kids off at the pool. What? Is that not normal?
6The Henchmen’s Quiet Place - GoldenEye 007
Even KGB and Soviet soldiers need a place of solitude to relieve themselves. Thankfully, most of the bathrooms in GoldenEye are actually pretty nice for military installations.
Although we aren’t quite sure why so many of them carry their AK-47s into the cubicles; that just seems uncomfortable.
