One of my favourite things to come out of the internet is needless censoring, whether it’s sticking a big black bar over completely innocuous scenes, or pixelating someone’s underwear to make them look stark naked. Usually, on films and TV, it’s less visual - making it sound like someone’s sworn or said something harsher. Here, it’s games, and making things look ruder.
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Do you likeCall of DutyZombies? Imagine if they were naked!Do you love Majima?What if he danced on a pole with nothing on? All things you’ve probably never imagined, wanted, or questioned. But that’s what I’m good at: unravelling things that we don’t want and can definitely live without.
10"Battle-Damaged" Spider-Man
First, let’s set the scene for what kind of censoring this list will include -Sims-style. In The Sims, there’s nothing under that pixelated blob, but it creates an illusion that they’re really getting naked when they shower, go to the toilet, or whatever else.
CueSpider-Manon the subway in his undies. This outfit keeps nothing on but the briefs and the mask, but let’s imagine for a second that we had a stark-naked (not Stark-naked, that’s different) Peter Parker swinging around New York. Swinging. All hidden by that block of pixels. Nobody would high-five him, that’s for sure.
9Join Morrowind’s Blades. Alternatively, Run Like Hell
When you jointhe BladesinMorrowind, you meet with a skooma addict who is topless and wearing ripped pants. He tells us to get lost and find a job, so we get lost and find a job. How inclined would you be to listen to him, though, if those ripped pants included the, ahem - you get the picture.
You’d probably run like hell. The main story ain’t worth dealing with that. Enjoy your Lusty Argonian Maid, bud (that’s the book under his bed, out in the bloody open).
8Resident Evil 4, Wood And Wood
Big monsters having clothes always felt weird. Who tailors them? They’re basically big lumbering animals - I mean, they’re swinging around a tree for a weapon. Odds are, they wouldn’t bother with undies. Does Primark even sell them in that size?
7Ezionardo
If you playedAssassin’s Creed 2and didn’t at any point wantEzioand Leonardo Da Vinci to kiss, you’re lying to yourself. They have chemistry coming out of chemistry.
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So, here’s Ezio presenting a “toy” to his lover. You take it from here.
6Smough Chicka Wow-Wow
Smough’s body isn’t really his body, it’s his armour. He could be a tiny little twink under all that metal, as far as we know. He probably isn’t, but still. And given that we don’t really know what he looks like under there, anything could slip out.
Maybe there’s a little gap in the bottom for when he needs to go to the toilet, and after leaping down from the ceiling dramatically, an accident could happen. It’s a bit intimidating, but when has Smough been anything else? I feel like at this point, five entries deep, I need to profusely apologise. I’m very sorry. Moving on.
5Majima Everywhere
Majima is a beaut. Everyone knows it, everyone thinks it, and everyone embraces it. But we don’t get to see enough of him being a beaut. Cue his pole-dancing scene inYakuza Kiwami.
Maybe we get to throw some cash his way, promise a good fight afterwards, or whatever it is that Majima so desperately wants at that moment. He changes his mind plenty, after all. And the more we give, the more that comes off. He’s already shirtless, what’s one more item of clothing?
Sorry.
3God, Bert
I’ll admit, I haven’t played enoughFinal Fantasy 14to know who Godbert is. To stay true to that, I haven’t looked him up, so I’m not entirely sure what he’s known for, or if he’s good or bad. I will say, he looks like Zeus orDark Souls' Gwyn, but he’s always wearing underpants. Well, boo to that.
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Needless censorship means that he can embrace his true self, living that desire to be the nude lightning-hurling god that he is (or might be, again, I don’t know squat about this man who so clearly does so many squats). And tighty whities are hardly a look befitting of someone so majestic. Leave ‘em to Walter White.
2All Natural Fable
Like withResident Evil 4, I don’t get why a big monster would cover up. Only inFable, they don’t, they’re just flat down there like an action figure. It’s a solution, but it just feels like the pixels have been taken away, like in The Sims. So, I put them back, with a handy little X to show you where not to look.
Maybe all they have down there is another tentacle or vine - to be honest, I don’t want to think about it. Did I say I was sorry, yet? Well, I am. Let’s move on.
1Call Of Duty XXXombies
The zombies in Call of Duty are pretty creepy anyway. They have that distinct guttural howl that rips across the map, distorted as if they’re synthetic, not just infected. Now imagine them running around butt-naked. Admittedly, it sounds funnier than scary. Never mind, keep the pants on.
Or, at the very least, censor those dangling, bloodied jaws. Seeing them all close up while you’re trying to drink your soda in peace is unsettling.
That’s it, anyway - ten needlessly censored games, all of which filled me with regret to make. I’m not entirely sure why I did this, or why it came to my head, but now you’ve all suffered with me through it. Maybe it’s for the best that zombies aren’t naked, and Godbert kept his pants on.
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