It’s funny; you would think Switch Sports wears the crown of best motion-controlled sports gaming. Yet, I still seeWii Bowlingpop up in gaming culture. Perhaps the title reckons gamers back to the early oughts. Or maybe the controls are better. Either way, I think I’ll be taking my dusty Wii out for a spin (We made enough Wii jokes in the oughts, so don’t start).
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When I reminisce about my Wii Bowling games, I ask myself odd questions. For instance, what if video game characters tried Wii Bowling? Would the Nintendo characters reign supreme, or would a Street Fighter cause an upset? No matter what, I’m positive the following characters would suck hard at Wii Bowling.
6Turning Around Zombie [Resident Evil]
I remember first playingResident Evilon my cousin’s PSX. And this moment right here scared the ever-living crap out of me! The Turning Around Zombie is notorious for being the first zombie you encounter in the original Resident Evil. So meeting them is a chilling encounter.
Okay, but real talk, this zombie is your run-of-the-mill brain muncher. They don’t have Nemesis-like super strength or Tyrant’s gigantic claws. They’re slow-moving and uncoordinated. I don’t know if I can survive a zombie apocalypse, but I can beat this zombie at Wii Bowling.
But when those fast-as-fudge “28 Days Later” zombies start running at me with their Wiimotes, I don’t think I stand a chance. Forget Wii Bowling; my decapitated head will be the bowling ball.
5Kratos
I know what you’re thinking, “How could Kratos suck at Wii Bowling!? But haven’t you seen him fight? He’s more coordinated than you’ll ever be!”
Look, I lived my life as a son to a demanding father. So replace all of Kratos’s exclamations of “BOY” with the word “CHRISTOPHA” in a Queens accent. That’s my dad. And at the end of the day, Kratos is an aging papa from ancient Norse mythology. If my father can’t wrap his head around new video games, there’s no way this relic of a man will.
You can’t win Wii Bowling when you’re apotato.
3Voldo
I do not doubt the athletic proficiency of Voldo, the contorting blade-fighter from Namco’sSoul Caliburseries. Furthermore, I’m not saying he wouldsuckat Wii Bowling. I just don’t understandhowhe would do it.
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Have you seen how this dude fights? He spends half the time scurrying on the floor in a bridge position with his hands and feet on the floor like a quadruped. So where would the Wiimote go? In his mouth? Wait, nope. There’s a ball gag there, never mind. Honestly, I’m not sure I can bring Voldo to Wii family game night in the first place. If this codpiece-clad contender makes me feel weird happenings in my danger zone, I can’t imagine how my parents will react.
2The Just Dance Dancers
Having worked in the theatre, I know my fair share of ridiculously talented dancers. So, on a realistic level, I understand that theJust Dancedancers are costumed performers grooving in front of a green screen.
Still, in my head, I made up rather grim lore about the series. My theory is that the Just Dance dancers are automated beings whose only purpose is to dance the same choreography for eternity while trapped in a virtual internet prison. Think Westworld or Black Mirror, but with more jazz hands.
If Ubisoft ever confirms my Just Dance dystopian story theory, then the Just Dance dancers wouldn’t have Wii Bowling skills programmed into their systems. All they would know how to do is dance. And dance. And. Dance.
DANCE while trapped in the infinite loop of “Uptown Funk,” wearing gaudy gold chains and waiting for the beat drop. DANCE on stages of torture while waiting for a “Dancing Queen” that will never come. DANCE the CHICKEN DANCE in the cybercoop of hell while the menacing developers laugh and watch! NO WIIMOTE CAN SAVE YOU NOW!!!!!!!
1Bowser
If this were a just world,Bowserwould suck at Wii Bowling. After all, he’s taken too much from the gaming community to deserve a win. I don’t care if Jack Black voices him. He can Jumanji deez nuts when I wipe the floor with him down the virtual bowling alley.
Don’t come at me with that “But it’s just a game” BS! Once you land on a Bowser space in Mario Party, you can never go back to before. That trauma stays with you!
Plus, Bowser has big meaty hands with sausage fingers. That Wiimote is too tiny for him to handle in the first place. Yeah, Bowser, I called out your sausage fingers. Whatcha gonna do about it?
