I’m one of the Photo Editors at TheGamer, and that means I spend a lot of my time making dumb memes. There’s some serious stuff sprinkled in there for the most part, but for a good chunk of my workday, it’s dumb memes. And for a change, I’m making those silly pictures for myself, photoshoppingYakuza’sMajima into ten different movies.
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Not only will I be presenting my questionable work to you, but I’ll justify why I picked each movie. It’s a weird selection, admittedly, ranging from Falling Down to Anchorman, but I promise there are good reasons.
10Anchorman
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy feels like a Yakuza subplot at times, only instead of Kiryu trying to woo Nishiki, we see Ron trying to woo Veronica Corningstone.
This is all set against the backdrop of a ’70s male-dominated media world, so not much has changed, but I can’t help thinking about what would happen if you slotted Majima in there. My guess is he’d ram a truck through a wall during that giant press brawl. Games media should try a press brawl.
9Avengers: Infinity War
Infinity War would’ve been over in seconds if Majima was there. They’re scrambling to get the gauntlet off, Starlord gets into a fit and starts whaling on Thanos, Majima socks him in the jaw and gives him a heartfelt lecture about sacrifice, Thanos overhears, and they sing karaoke for a couple of hours instead.
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Oh, and Majima is Iron Man. That makes Kiryu Captain America, I guess.
8Falling Down
I definitely didn’t pick Falling Down just because it’s one of my favourite movies, and because it has William Foster (Michael Douglas) holding a baseball bat. No sir, not at all.
Now, to justify that decision I definitely didn’t make, Falling Down is the perfect film for Majima since it’s all about a man who cares so little for the world and social etiquette (thanks to his divorce and unemployment) that he’d rather bring a gun to a restaurant just to get his breakfast order than — oh, I don’t know — going in earlier. Sounds like Majima to me.
7Guns Akimbo
Majima has upset alotof people. A lot, a lot. His entire life revolves around picking fights and stabbing people in the back so long as it helps Kiryu and the Tojo Clan. Someone is bound to pull a prank that sees guns nailed to his hands. But I doubt he’d use them. Majima would just treat them like clunky knuckledusters.
6Rocky
The Yakuza series' combat is built off the back of fighting games' DNA, with its thrilling combo-chaining action that sees you roping in everything from bikes to cinder blocks just to get the upper hand.
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Put Majima in the ring, which has been done before, and he’d no doubt come out on top, even against Dolph Lundgren. That, and I kind of just want a topless, sweaty, Majima montage. Ahem. Moving on.
5Scarface
I can’t imagine Majima with guns, but I can imagine him standing by himself in a mess he’s created, fighting to keep everything he has. Just swap a drug empire for the Tojo Clan and voilà, you have Majima Scarface. I don’t know where Kiryu is during all of this — maybe he could take the place of Elvira Hancock.
4The Godfather
Majima doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy to run a criminal empire, but seeing him take over from Marlon Brando as Don Vito Corleone would certainly be interesting. He isn’t as cool and collected, often being eccentric and over-the-top, beating his own men with baseball bats, and taking them on lengthy excursions to construct skyscrapers. But maybe that’s just what his son Michael needs. He doesn’t want to join the Mafia, and Majima might get that.
Or maybe he’d just hit him in the nuts with a baseball bat. I don’t know, Majima’s unpredictable.
3Scooby-Doo
I wasn’t sure who Majima would be in the Scooby-Doo gang. The dog felt wrong, and you don’t want to see that Photoshop, while Velma was too calm and rule-abiding. Fred strikes me more as a Kiryu than anything, being the friend that keeps everything together while struggling to express their own feelings. That leaves Daphne and Shaggy, and while I think he would look great in that dress, Majima strikes me as the kind of guy to be best buds with a talking dog.
2Shaun Of The Dead
Majima has already fought off the undead in Dead Souls, so we know he can handle his undead brain-eating hordes. Hell, he has to put up with the Tojo Clan, and they aren’t much better. So throw him into Shaun of the Dead, and I can’t imagine he’d find it that hard to survive — he’s not likely going to stay in a bar, mind. He’s a Yakuza boy; he’ll find a rooftop instead.
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David would probably be Tsukasa Sagawa, being yanked out of a window by zombies thanks to his own stubbornness. Ed can be Kiryu, even though it doesn’t really fit. They’re best buds, though. As for the rest, I’ll let you make up your own mind there.
1The Lighthouse
Finally, we have The Lighthouse, with Majima taking on the role of the younger keeper played by Robert Pattinson. He’d probably match Willem Dafoe’s chaotic energy, which would no doubt bring the film to a sudden and sharp end much, much sooner.
They’d be at each other’s throats by the ten-minute mark, but I’m placing my bets on Willem for this one. Majima is tough, but Willem? He’s in a league of his own.
